Sadism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, Oh My!

Yesterday, I researched trolls.

You heard me right.  Instead of embracing a lady, laughing with a child, having a beer, or doing any other activity that could possibly bring a human being joy, I sat down in a room lit only by the soft blue light from my computer monitor, wearing nothing but my long johns, sucking on my stupid cigar, and researched trolls.

You see, the blog that I am a star commentor for: Liberally Lean from the Land Of Dairy Queen, is absolutely everything to me.  When I wake up in the morning, my stiffy doesn't go down until I've read the blog and made a comment or two. Well... I say stiffy, but it really only gets about a quarter hard these days:(

Anyways, lately there have been a lot of stupid doo doo heads commenting on that blog who are so stupid, they rely on calling people names instead of making actual points. 

So, I discovered that other nerds like me use the word troll, since having a bully as an adult is quite embarrassing.  

Thus, the reason I was up all night researching. I even came up with some clever one-liners like this one: "And that's why we don't feed trolls. They're like stray cats on the porch; feed 'em and they keep hanging around".

I dropped that bomb on them yesterday! Man oh man I can't wait until Barry posts his blog today.  Us, er... those trolls just can't get enough of it!  

Hurry up, my quarter-stiff is starting to hurt!

They don't even know that they don't know

Liberals do not understand Conservatives, they don't even know that they don't know.  

The liberal blog that I follow obsessively posted this little nugget today: "Because, after all, you just have to work hard and money will coming flooding in. Right?"

Wrong.

If they even started to know that they didn't know, then that not knowing could turn into them knowing that they don't know, you know?

Listen up... it's easy.  

You just have to work hard and money will start rolling in if you are white, straight, Christian, and male.

It's not that hard to understand.  

Now at least you know that you didn't know, even though you do now know.

Freakin' Women, Man!

So, today on the blog that my life revolves around, everyone is talking about the falicy that women make less money for doing the same job as a man.  

Now, as a conservative, I am obligated to hate women.  It's rather easy, actually.  None of them will ever talk to me for more than two seconds, therefore I am left to make assumptions about them in lieu of actually learning from them. 

I have read a bunch of articles, of which I don't question and take as 100% fact, that say women get the same pay for the same job.  End of discussion.  Anyone who perpetuates the myth that this is discrimination against women is doing it out of ignorance or with the intent to deceive.

THE INTENT TO DECEIVE.  Now there's a good name for a band if I've ever heard one.  If I only had some friends to start a band with.  I guess I would also need to know how to play an instrument.  

Stupid liberal weenies probably all know how to play an instrument. That's how you get women, I bet. Dammit I wish I could be one of them. *sigh*

Doin' it thru the Pee Hole as God Intended.

As you might know, I read liberal blogs because I am fascinated with their carefree, accepting of all people, way of life.  Today I learned on one of those blogs that "Congressman Vance McAllister, who campaigned for office last fall as a devout Christian and devoted husband and father, was caught in video surveillance two days before Christmas passionately embracing and kissing one of his congressional aides." 

Conservatives, we simply cannot keep doing this.  It isn't what we are about.  Passion, fun, cutting loose, that's the liberals game.  Us conservatives are supposed to sit around and think about what group of people we hate the most.  All of the time.  That's it. 

Now, we all know that we hate minorities, gays, and non-christians, but some of you are forgetting to hate women, too.  I have heard that some of you even take your clothes off before procreating.  I've even heard that some of you are having sex for PLEASURE.  

Let me be the first to remind you that sex should only be for procreation, and that the male should pull his penis thru the pee-hole of his pajamas, and insert it thru the pee-hole in his wifes pajamas.  If there is not one, you should cut one yourself.  This is one of the very core ideals of conservatism, and shold not be taken lightly.

So there you go, I hope this helps some of you  who might have had some questions about how a proper conservative performs the (somewhat gross) act of procreating with  a woman.

You're welcome

Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, Don't Fornicate? Join the Club!

Well, how do I start this off?  Like most conservatives, I'm am scared.

Anyone who is not male, white, Christian, and heterosexual, scares the living daylights out of me.  I am constantly reading liberal blogs, because liberals fascinate me.  How do they find the capacity to care about people who are not like them? It's got to be so tiring.

 I wouldn't know, I've never tried.

And the fun! How do liberals have so much fun?  I mean, I don't drink, smoke, or have sex, but there has to be ways to have fun without that stuff, right?

Anyways, if you are as miserable as me, this is the blog for you.  I will be posting about Dems every day, because I am simply fascinated by them.  I hope you will follow me on this journey.

Thanks for reading!